... ..code red ....December 9, 2007   From the makeshift laboratory located in the attic, I hear a sharp knocking at the front door.  I remove my safety goggles, turn down the Bunsen-burner, and listen.  Tap, tap, tap.  There it is again!  I remove my leather gloves and apron, descend the ladder that leads to a closet, and close the closet door behind me.  TAP, TAP, TAP.  I glance in the mirror and pat down my mad-scientist-looking hair.  Then I scurry to the door.  When I  open it, a duck waddles past me and into the living room.  "Mind if I come in?" asks the duck as he flutters up to sit on the sofa. "It seems you are in whether I mind it or not," I reply.  "Who are you?" "Never mind that," he says as he glances around the room.  "What are you doing in the attic?" "What do you mean?" I stammer. "Don't give me that, funny boy.  We know you're working on something up there and we want to know what it is." "Who is this we you keep referring to?  Do I know you?  Something about that smirk on your bill  looks familiar." "I'm with the Department of Homeland Security, wiseguy.  Your neighbors have reported seeing lights in your attic at odd hours.  And they've smelled something strange." "Strange?" I ask. "Like what?" The duck pulls from his trenchcoat a spiral-bound note pad and flips over several pages.  "It says here 'smells like magazine'." "So you work for The Man, do you?  Keeping us down?" "Actually, I work for The Duck, but that's none of your concern.  What's in the attic?" "If you must know, I'm trying to develop a cologne that smells like magazine pages.  I got tired of smelling different scents advertised in the magazines I read and I thought what if people wore a scent that smelled like a magazine?  Maybe then the magazine ads wouldn't assail my nostrils!" "Let me get this straight," says the duck. "You want people to wear magazine-scented cologne so the magazine ads for colognes won't bother you?" "Yes, that's right.  That's what I'm saying.  What do you think?" At this the duck hops from the sofa and waddles to the door.  I open it and as he waddles down the front walk I hear him mutter to himself.  Something about Code Red. previous..|..current..|..archives..|..4th quarter index..|..next

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