... ..essence ....November 19, 2005   I have washed up on the threshold of a small, tidy house inhabited by a beautiful woman and her dog.  This woman has fed and sheltered me.  She has been patient, kind, nurturing, and generous.  She is Mother Theresa, only younger, with fewer wrinkles and a better ass. I try to be unobtrusive, but it is hard to judge my success.  I am by nature both quiet and neat and my manners remain impeccable.  But am I really unobtrusive?  Are my manners truly impeccable?  To her, maybe I obtrude and my manners pecc.  You see, my Essence is intense and the emanations can quickly fill a room. And speaking of emanations, my hostess, her dog, and I share one bathroom.  She and I use the room conventionally while Bud, her dog, dines there.  Privacy can only be assured by forcefully pulling the crystal doorknob until the bolt is securely seated in the strike plate; otherwise, Bud will push through the door like Black Bart entering the Red Eye Saloon.  Even when I'm careful and I close the door properly, I am uneasy about bathroom noises and odors.  Sure, I know they're natural, but not everything that is natural is pleasant.  In fact, few natural phenomena are pleasant.  So I have studied and meditated and practiced until I am capable of moving my bowels without producing either sound or smell.  This requires intense concentration, of course.  Kwai Chang Caine himself never dropped an odorless turd.  But Caine does not share my essence. previous..|..current..|..archives..|..4th quarter index..|..next

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