... ..the sexy month ....February 1, 2004   This February will be a sexy month.  We start with the stars, and I don't mean Madonna and Britney.  No, I refer to the heavens. The month begins with Orion, the hunter, wielding his huge club at a rave hosted by the twins of Gemini, Castor and Jenna.  Simultaneously, Saturn's orbit makes it appear Saturn is straddling our moon when, in reality, Saturn is many miles away nursing an enormous cold sore.  The optical illusion that Saturn is on top of the moon is referred to by astronomers as "celestial dry-humping." February is also Black History Month.  I will not say that my black brethren are over-sexed, but I will say their men have giant penises.  Orion, for example, is a black man.  Anyway, while not technically black, I desperately want to trade places with either Ben Harper or the Rubber Band Man in the Office Max commercials. Most people do not think of sex when they think of Groundhog Day.  I blame this on a few careless gerbilers.  Personally, I find Groundhog Day to be quite sensual, mainly because it brings to mind Andie MacDowell.  I like a lot of dark hair and pale skin, especially on a woman. Valentine's Day leaves me cold.  It's not that I'm anti-love; on the contrary, they call me "Dr. Love."  Actually, they call me "Nurse Practitioner Love," but you get the point.  To my mind, Valentine's Day is a celebration of all that is unromantic: obligation; predictability; and awful underwear. previous..|..current..|..archives..|..1st quarter index..|..next

©  2004 by the beastmaster