| December
11, 2003
tips
for the holidays
The holiday
season is a perfect time for reflection on the true meaning of happiness
and what contributes to it. This means it’s also the perfect season
for self-loathing and for sticking things in the oven other than turkeys.
Holistic therapist and tampon designer, Dr. Lilith Light-Day, offers these13
tips for promoting tranquility, self-actualization, and housework avoidance:
-
Spend a
conscious moment listing and appreciating your personal gifts, talents,
and contributions. Unless you have a gift for delusion and a talent
for list-making, this project should require only a few seconds of your
time.
-
Spend another
conscious moment listing all the good things you already have. WARNING:
Do not spend a conscious moment listing all the good things your neighbor
already has.
-
One by one,
list situations in your life that are annoying, difficult, or depressing.
In 4-6 weeks, you’ll be ready to ask yourself what those situations might
teach you. For example, they may teach you that children are overrated
or that life is completely devoid of meaning.
-
For a quick
blues buster, think about the people closest to you, how much you love
them, and how much they love you. Then think about why it is that
you met them in a bar only the night before.
-
If you have
pets, allow yourself to soak in the unconditional love they give you so
willingly and generously. Follow this by soaking up the puddle of
urine your pet deposited on your brand-new carpet.
-
Start making
eye contact with acquaintances, and look for signs of love in their eyes.
Look also for signs of syphilis.
-
When you
find yourself comparing your life to someone else’s, stop. Then contemplate
why you are unable to heed warnings. (See Tip #2)
-
When you
feel fearful, practice having hope and looking forward to the future.
If this practice effectively erases your future, you may reasonably conclude
you were hopeless.
-
Take pride
in things you do, and consciously congratulate yourself. Treat yourself
to casual sex with healthy acquaintances with whom you have made eye contact.
-
Be kind
to your body and be less critical of your missteps. Better yet, give
others the opportunity to be kind to your body.
-
Be less
critical of others, especially that whining wanker in the adjoining cubicle.
-
Take advantage
of small opportunities to do good, from volunteering to holding your best
friend’s stash while his parents are visiting.
-
If you catch
yourself gossiping or speaking in negative terms, stop midsentence and
consider the plight of your boss whose untreatable impotence led to his
secret life as a cross-dresser, holistic therapist, and tampon designer.
|