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October 11, 2003 post-traumatic sports disorder With the exception of some hopped-up Miamians, I seem to be the only man in America hoping the Florida Marlins beat the Chicago Cubs. The 1992 expansion-team Marlins have already won a World Series.  By contrast, the Cubs moved to Chicago from ancient Mesopotamia where they were known as the Ur You-Knows.  The Cubs haven't won a championship since 1908 and this ability to suck with breathtaking consistency has fostered within baseball fandom a sentiment the Cubs "deserve" to win. Really?  Aren't these the same fans who refer to the Chicago team as "Cubbies?"  Cubbies?  Who are these fans?  Den mothers?  It's the Cubs, goddamnit, and that's bad enough.  They're not even adult bears.  There's no call for making them prissy to boot.  Except that, truth be told, Cub fans are generally ivy-loving pantywaists.  They believe that ivy, in and of itself, creates class.  I know these people.  They want ivy on their colleges, ivy on their homes...hell, if you wrapped ivy around a turd they'd think it was "fabulous." Look, in Spanish, Sosa means "steroid-shrunken nutsack."  I say fuck the Cubbies.  If the Cubs, in their pajama-esque uniforms, deserve to win, then we ought to become a nation of devil-worshippers.  After all, Satan has never won a head-to-head battle with God Almighty unless, of course, you count Pat Robertson.

©  2003 by the beastmaster