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December 12, 2002 tense moment The past tense is disappearing.  Soon, we won't be able to say "the past tense disappeared."  The demise of this once useful tense began with televised football and the advent of "instant replay." Before instant replay, broadcasters used the past tense to describe action that occurred prior to the commentary on it.  For example: Announcer:  "Had Grabowski caught that pass, he would have scored a touchdown." Instant replay scrambled linear time.  Those who suffered repeated exposure to it began using the present tense to describe past or conditional events.  Now, when the pass to Grabowski is dissected using instant replay, the announcers talk about the play as though it were actually occurring during the commentary. Announcer (during the half time show an hour after the play):  "If Grabowski catches the pass, he scores a touchdown." And I think:  If Grabowski catches a pass he's already missed, then God is a Polish tight end. The miracle of changing past to present isn't confined to televised sports.  Listen to talk show guests who haven't been exposed to instant replay and you'll hear something like: Talk Show Guest:  "If Bush Sr. goes into Baghdad, Saddam is no longer leader." Really?  Are we this hard up for soldiers? Which brings me to a numbnut named Tim Hardin who wrote the words and music to the dreadful "If I Were a Carpenter."  You remember: "If I were a carpenter, and you were a lady,  would you marry me anyway,  would you have my baby?" It won't be long before a modern singer covers it like this: "If I am a carpenter, and you are a lady,  you're marrying me anyway,  you're having my baby." Note that, in the original, the male protagonist is a florist or hairdresser and dreams of earning a manly living as a carpenter.  He also fails to comprehend that his partner has to be a lady in order to give birth.  But the point is this:  the song sucked, sucks, and will forever suck.

©  2002 by the beastmaster