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November 17, 2002 another modest proposal
In the wake of the September 11th tragedy, there should be no question that the security of our homeland is our top priority. No stone should be left unturned in defending terrorist attacks, securing our borders, and locating subversives residing in our country. Nothing is more important than a sense of security and no price is too high to pay for the feeling of safety we crave and deserve. Yet, at this very moment, there are those living among us calling themselves "good citizens" or "patriotic Americans" who would have us examine the costs and feasibility of total security. Still others fret that our resources are limited and that the total dedication of those resources to homeland security will drain away funding necessary for such programs as healthcare, education, and the environment. To these hand-wringers and worrywarts I have but one reply--hogwash! If we really want the illusion of total insulation from terrorism, we must forsake traditional notions of the public welfare and smother our enemies with a full-court press of cradle to grave security. What follows is a modest proposal for achieving homeland security.
Our war on terrorism should enlist every true patriot to the cause at the earliest possible stage. Is it too much to ask that our infants be given government-subsidized pacifiers shaped like weapons of self-defense? These would include everything from a simple bayonet or revolver to Stinger missiles and explosive-sniffing canines. These binkies, rattles, and such would not be loaded with ammunition, of course. Infants and toddlers are much too young; somebody could get hurt. The Homeland Youth Police (HYP) would not be equipped with live ammunition until they reach the age of a discerning kindergartner, perhaps five or six. At that age, HYP squads would be capable of understanding directions and, as long as nap time is observed, they should be perfectly capable of following orders. After a few Arab-looking neighbors are shot in the kneecap or groin, real Islamic terrorists will think twice before making mayhem around our youngsters.
Let's face it: Homeland Security begins at home. And what better way to detect real or suspected sleeper cells of Al Quaeda operatives than to lodge in every American household a trained, federalized deputy from the soon-to-be-created Department of Homeland Security. Imagine the sense of well-being we would have if, living under our own roofs, were fit, steely-eyed Household Security Officers (HSO) who not only reviewed all incoming and outgoing mail, bugged the telephones, and hacked the computer, but also helped with the dishes. What a relief that would be!
Where would this HSO force come from, you ask? Simple. By rounding up the homeless, vagrants, unemployed, prison inmates, and "non-essential" employees currently working in the Department of Education, the Environmental Protection Agency, and the Department of Health and Human Services, the Department of Homeland Security should have ample personnel for placement in our homes. These patriotic men and women would, naturally, be highly trained in week-long seminars covering such topics as:
1.) "Dangerous Islamic terrorist on jihad or ill-tempered, law-abiding Arab-American? Who cares?"This should go a long way in helping our government to not only protect us, but to know more about what we are doing, what we are thinking, where our sympathies lie, for whom we voted, and with whom we associate.2.) "Anthrax or baby powder?"
3.) "Sarin gas or flatulence?"
4.) "Fun with fragmentation!"
5.) "XXX-rated computer porn or cleverly encrypted call for sabotage?"
With our children and households provided for, our government must turn its attention to our borders. Can any nation really be secure if we let hordes of foreigners, whether U.S. citizens or not, come and go as they please? Hardly. So let us start by building a great wall along the United States-Canada border and by converting the Rio Grande to a piranha-stocked moat. None of us wants to admit it, but we have more than enough Mexicans in this country to fill our landscaping and housekeeping needs well into the next century. As for Canadians, we can all agree that they are little more than bland, thinly-disguised socialists. We have enough problems without hampering the efforts of the American Medical Association and the pharmaceutical companies to stop universal healthcare in its tracks. It goes without saying that both the Great Wall of Canada and the Mexican Moat will be further secured by troops of mental patients armed with our most sophisticated, high-tech weaponry, including "smart bombs," for what nature deprives us, the government can provide.
The borders between land and sea cannot be ignored without a dangerous breach of security. Those annoying oceans and that useless Gulf of Mexico present logistical nightmares, however. Given the vastness of our coasts and the multitude of our ports and natural harbors, it appears to the easily discouraged naysayers that we cannot stop terrorists from entering the country by sea. This view is nonsense because it supposes the continuation of legitimate shipping. It is time for a "reality check." The time has come for our government to prohibit shipping in and out of the United States for any reason whatsoever, whether commercial, recreational, or otherwise. It is a luxury we can no longer afford. We must learn to live without such goodies as chocolate, coffee, Caspian Sea caviar, and exotic aphrodisiacs made from ground rhinoceros horn. As for recreation, Carnival Cruises are nothing more than glitzy, floating, puke-inducers. All shipping is out and any attempt to enter or exit this country by sea will be dealt with harshly, perhaps by some kind of satellite-mounted Death Ray. This is, after all, war.
Finally, we must make air travel safe. We cannot have nutty martyrs piloting airplanes into our skyscrapers, government buildings, and cornfields. The exploding tennis shoe must be a thing of the past. The solution? All air passengers and flight personnel must work and travel completely naked and without baggage of any kind. With this restriction in place, air travel security will be a simple matter of systematic body cavity searches conducted by a dedicated corps of federalized Homeland Security Body Cavity Inspectors (HSBCI) comprised, primarily, of defrocked priests and medical school dropouts.
This modest proposal not only solves our problem of homeland security, but it employs hundreds of thousands of dispossessed and forgotten citizens whose only "crimes" were being demented, lazy, or felonious. Further, this plan reduces the bloated bureaucracies cluttering up our nation's education, healthcare, and environmental programs. Finally, this proposition forces us to reevaluate our priorities, develop self-sufficiency, and become more accessible to our government which, in the end, only wants what is best for us.
© 2002 by the beastmaster