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November 5, 2002 family values My father has been dead since December 1990.  He appeared to me in a dream last night only to discuss the pros and cons of the twelve proposed constitutional amendments that were on the ballot today.  He was amazingly well-informed, especially for someone who gets his news in the spirit world. The campaigns leading up to this election have stressed "family values."  Cynical liberals poke fun at this theme but, for me, family values are important.  I cast my vote for candidates who champion values my own family holds dear.  For example, I vote for the candidate who, if not openly gay, has a sizable collection of Bette Midler and Liza Minelli records.  Although most politicians keep their drinking habits quiet, I find myself supporting men with bulbous, red noses.  I am also pro-divorce, pro-pornography, and anti-abortion except in cases of rape, incest, or whimsy.  I support gun-control, bullet-control, and bladder-control.  I am against the death penalty except in cases of littering and talking during movies.  I am against School Prayer, but I don't mind Moments of Silence During Which Loud Farting Can Occur Giving Everyone in Class a Huge Laugh. And one more thing:  I support suffrage for dead people.

©  2002 by the beastmaster