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September 2, 2002 safe and connected Just because I ordered a tongue scraper from a catalogue, I am bombarded by similar catalogues featuring some truly bizarre products.  One such product is a personal spray called Grounding Myst®. At the outset, it occurs to me that the New Age money-grubbers who pimp these absurd products should have "grounded" themselves in their spelling primers.  Myst?  What the hell is myst?  Is correct spelling a misguided concern of the "un-centered?" According to its label, Grounding Myst® is guaranteed "to release patterns and beliefs about being safe and connected to the Earth."   I shit you not.  If you believe this claim, you should be safe and connected to a corner wearing a Dunce Cap®. Another product is a shampoo that promises to "empower your follicles with a proactive formula that brings closure to fine, limp hair by combining Tibetan botanicals (frozen twigs) with yak splooey to carry you away to a good place that cannot be found on any map, about a half mile off The Eight-Fold Path." There's also an all-natural perfume that "gives your lovin' lama a stiff jade stem... really puts the ram in Ram Das." Calgon, take me away!  Away from pseudo-Eastern hucksters and snake-oil salesmen.  And drop me off on Madison Avenue where I feel safe and connected.

©  2002 by the beastmaster