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July 4, 2002 skin deep Faithful readers have no doubt noticed my scientific bent.  For example, in time travel, I almost proved that time actually speeds up the older one gets and that the "time flies" phenomenon of middle age is no more an illusion than, say, the "urine dribbles" phenomenon.  I now harness my science Jones to study another vexing question:  How do we age? When I speak here of aging, I do not speak of maturity, of gaining wisdom; instead, I refer to the crucial aspect of aging:  physical appearance.  I leave it to the Yoga Hags and New Age Earth Mothers to spin the Beauty-Is-Only-Skin-Deep propaganda.  Parenthetically, said hags and earth-mothers have a vested interest in promoting Inner Beauty; outwardly, they are so ugly that, when they cry, the tears run down the backs of their heads.  They remind me of the giant, thundering Oz who, when Dorothy, Toto, and Scarecrow were wising up to the smoke-and-mirrors, shouted "ignore that man behind the curtain!"  Well, the curtain is open and it ain't pretty. People do not age gradually.  It happens overnight.  Literally.  Sure, there are subtle changes which occur over time, but they aren't defining until Critical Mass is reached.  One is either Young-Looking or Old-Looking.  You can prove this for yourself by thinking about the people in your life who, when they left work for the weekend looked like they always had, but who, when they showed up for work Monday morning, resembled a bloated cross between Mother Teresa and Chief Dan George.  The aging process is like a rubber band that is stretched until it breaks.  At all points along the extended band, you are Young;  but when the band breaks, that's it.  Irretrievably it.  You have reached Critical Mass, the Point of No Return. You are Aged.

©  2002 by the beastmaster