| July
1, 2002
five
easy payments
The latest
weapon in the War On Depression is Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation (TMS).
This treatment involves giant horseshoe-shaped magnets like those used
by Wile E. Coyote after the Roadrunner has consumed metal pellets disguised
as Acme birdseed. The depressed patient sits in what looks like a
dentist's chair and the magnets are placed on either side of the patient's
head. The flip of a switch sends electromagnetic waves deep into
the patient's brain. These waves are invisible to the naked eye but,
to anyone wearing X-Ray Glasses purchased from the back of a comic book,
they appear as jagged lightning bolts. Although not completely understood,
many scientists--most notably, Ron Popeil--believe that depression is nothing
more than a "bug," like a flu bug, and that the electromagnetic waves "zap"
the depression bugs. Dr. Tesla Marconi, head of research and development
at Ronco Laboratories' Food Dehydrator Division, says of TMS: "It's
like one of those outdoor mosquito zappers.... Without the dead moths."
I have
volunteered to be a subject in a one week trial of TMS at Ronco Labs in
Dubuque, Iowa, the facility which spawned both the Pocket Fisherman and
GLH Formula #9 Hair System. If all goes well, I'll return home feeling
like a million bucks; if not, I'll continue to feel like five easy
payments of $19.95. |