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June 24, 2002 el kabong I was sorry to hear Ann Landers died.  I once wrote an advice column myself.  If Ann had bothered to read it, she would have seen I advised my readers not to die. My column was half Ann Landers, half Playboy Advisor, and half Hints from Heloise.  [Hint: I didn't fare well with fractions.]  I found some old clippings from my column and selected a few of the more helpful hints:   If you are going to cry, do so under a warm shower.  The tears are difficult to distinguish from the water and you won't feel like such a putz. Grass stains can be removed--from your consciousness, at least--by smoking grass. When cooking rice for one, pretend you're not. When hosting a party, be considerate of your non-drinking friends and offer them an alternative to the wine, beer, and hard liquor you are serving:  Don't invite them. If you are feeling "low," buy a guitar and play the "Blues."  Then grab the guitar by its neck, make like El Kabong, and bludgeon those who bummed you out.

©  2002 by the beastmaster