| June
11, 2002
pulp
nonfiction
According
to some women I saw on television, Quilted Northern toilet paper leaves
behind something like 27% less "lint" than its leading competitor.
At first, I had no idea what they were talking about but, then again, I
had never identified the mysterious debris I periodically washed from my
"back door." Then it hit me: lint! I had Asshole Lint!
I was SO relieved to learn the butt substance was wood pulp and not, say,
anal sloughing. But my elation faded when I realized Northern employed
a person whose sole function in life is to quantify rump rubbish.
The mental picture of an old man, fired from his job as a Wal-Mart "greeter,"
shuffling about in a white lab coat extracting lint specimens from the
ass cracks of local college students trying to earn a little beer money....
Well, that really depressed me. So I went back to bed and pulled
the covers over my head. |