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April 26, 2002 eye of the beholder Items in the newspaper often catch my eye.  The left one.  My right eye will never be taken alive. The first story described the near abduction of a child.  The suspect's identity is known only through the work of a forensic artist.  From what I can tell, the "perp" is a Caucasian male who, at some point in his life, died, only to be exhumed and reanimated, like Frankenstein.  He was not drawn with bolts protruding from his neck or anything, but he does appear large and pale and "not all there."  Of course, in the redneck town in which the event occurred, this drawing of a massive cracker with lizard lips and rolled-back eyes fits approximately 75% of the male population.  and about 80% of the female.  It's going to be a tough case to crack. Another newspaper story reported the arrest of a man charged with "brandishing a firearm."  I understand the firearm part; hell, everybody's packing.  But what about this "brandishing" business?  Is not that term unconstitutionally vague?  Exactly how did the authorities determine the man was brandishing his weapon as opposed to, say, "waving it about?"  He could have been "flaunting a firearm."  People do lawfully flaunt them, you know.  They even fondle them. Finally, a word about reparations.  At first, I was dead-set against it and not just because I wouldn't have any loot coming to me.  No, I was against paying money to African-Americans for silly reasons.  Like the intended recipients were never themselves slaves and I never owned any.  But I have altered my position.  I now favor reparations with a proviso that goes something like this:  "Whosoever receives cash from innocent people for wrongs done to strangers must forever and a day shut the fuck up about his own shitty lot in life, failing which, said whiner agrees to consume hemlock forthwith and without benefit of due process and trial."  This seems to me a reasonable compromise.

©  2002 by the beastmaster