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March 23, 2002 come clean There are aliens among us. I used to stop by a bar on my way home from work.  Charming, I know.  Anyway, when I would awaken the next morning, I had no memory of where I had been, with whom I had talked, or how I had gotten home.  Eventually, I had to admit I was being abducted by aliens who, in an effort to conceal their existence, were erasing my memory!  Why the aliens "staked out" OB's Bar and Grill is unclear.  But it is clear they routinely kidnaped me sometime between Happy Hour and my arrival home.  And whatever they did to erase my memory left me with a splitting headache. I haven't been abducted since I quit visiting the aliens' watering hole.  But I do not attribute the memory gaps or headaches to drink.  Although I haven't been kidnaped in several years, I continue to find evidence that aliens are among us.  A prime example happened recently. I sent a green and khaki-colored linen shirt to be dry-cleaned.  The dry-cleaning service is under strict orders not to starch my shirts.  My "strict orders" are like my "specific instructions;" that is, they are games I play with myself.  I have no illusions that any of my directives will be obeyed by anyone to whom I pay good money.  True to form, the dry-cleaners transformed my soft linen shirt into something like 30-grit sandpaper on plywood backing.   But I was accustomed to this abuse so I hung the shirt in my closet.  It was then I noticed  the collar was red, not green and tan.  Since I had never given my cleaners specific instructions not to dye my shirt collars red, I suspected foul play.  I returned the shirt and requested that its collar be returned to the original color. After a few weeks, I got a call from the dry-cleaners' manager.  She told me the collar was discolored by cologne I wore and, thus, the cleaning service bore no responsibility for it.  I explained I do not wear cologne and that there must be another explanation.  She responded that the discoloration had to be from cologne and implied I knew little about my own grooming habits.  I insisted I did not use cologne because, in all modesty, I have an irresistible natural aroma that cannot be improved upon.  She hung up. So, if the cleaners didn't do it, and I didn't do it, who did?  I say there are aliens among us.

©  2002 by the beastmaster